For most of my life I've been an atheist. I had a period of agnosticism in my youth, but eventually decided that there indeed was no god or gods. But sometimes I wish I did have the capacity for faith.

There will be times, when things are…not even necessarily bad or unhappy, but merely…at a loss for meaning. Those times when my life feels empty, and I find myself wondering, "to what end do I go through the motions of my life?". It is at these times when I wonder what it would be like to posses the ability have faith—to believe that there is something that gives my life meaning. Not necessarily even a god or religion…but just something to believe in.

While I never really could believe in a "higher power", for a long time, there were those I held in a very high regard. My period of hero-worship began in grade 10, when I started programming. I started reading all sorts of programming blogs (the most inspiring of which was Steve Yegge's Tour de Babel, which played a massive part in the person I am today) and became something of a Paul Graham/Steve Yegge/etc fanboy.

It took me a while, but eventually I came to disagree with those I once so uncritically read and defended. That was an interesting time…when I disagreed with my heroes, and realized that they were fallible people, just like myself.

All heroes are human. All humans are falliable. All your heroes will fail you. The hardest part of growing up is realizing your father is just a man.