This is an interesting sensation. After more than a year spend feeling okay about myself and the world in general, I find myself sliding inexorably downwards once again1.
It is a rather odd experience to be feeling more-or-less okay and then to notice these dark thoughts gestating in my mind, experiencing them at the same time I observe them. It is the sort of thing that makes it very clear that the mind is not one unified consciousness, but a whole chaotic system of conflicting desires and urges, and that sometimes parts of that system are actively engaged in combat with each other.
The worst part about it is that I’m still sufficiently in my “right”2 mind that I realize that I don’t want to feel the way I used to, that hating myself will ultimately not work out well…but at the same time, I can’t help myself — I can feel myself being drawn deeper into this abyss and, worst of all, I want it to happen.
It’s funny…writing this, I can feel the two distinct sides warring over how to write this. If I wanted to look really crazy, I could probably write this whole entry as a dialog between good-me3 and evil-me (I actually have a notebook full of writing in this style — parenthesised commentary from the disparaging consciousness. Keeping it around in case I ever need to cop an insanity plea).
Writing and posting this is a pretty shitty emo cry-for-help kind of douchey thing, isn’t? Fuck it. Probably makes no sense, in any case.
